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Debate touts differences

Debates last night. I certainly didn't watch them, because I have better things to do, like play video games, or wander around aimlessly. However, I feel confident, from watching the campaigns, that I can reconstruct the debates with fair accuracy. First off, the governor's race:

BOB RILEY: I can use my magical powers to ward off hurricanes.

LUCY BAXLEY: I'm desperate, so I'll cut your property taxes.

RILEY: My opponent says she'll cut your taxes, but she's a Democrat! Like... John Kerry!

BAXLEY: I will put an end to corruption.

RILEY: My opponent says she will put an end to corruption, but she's a Democrat! Like... Don Siegelman!

BAXLEY: I like puppies.

RILEY: My opponent says she likes puppies, but do you know who else likes puppies? HILLARY!!!!!!

There was also a debate in the Lieutenant Governor's race. This is simple to boil down:

LUTHER STRANGE: I am tall. My opponent is fat. The choice is clear.

JIM FOLSOM JR.: Oh, heck, I don't know how to respond to that. I'm just a good ol' boy who used to be governor, not some fancy Birmingham lawyer.

And there was one in the Attorney General's race as well.

"TROY KING": I will lobby for a law making it legal to hunt homosexuals for sport.

JOHN TYSON: My opponent was appointed by Bob Riley as some kind of obscure joke.

"KING": I get an erection every time someone is sentenced to death.

TYSON: I'm not going to say anything, I'm just going to let him talk.

"KING": We need toughnewlaws making it harder for vampires to stalk our children.

TYSON: See?