SPACE GHOST: Greetings! I am Space Ghost, and this is the Space Ghost Group. Our panelists are:

Captain Euro, superhero and pacifist;
The green goliath known as the Hulk;
Blossom, leader of the Powerpuff Girls;
And Aquaman, king of Atlantis.

Issue One, Israeli operations in the West Bank. Captain Euro?

EURO: The Israelis need to show patience with the Palestinian Authority, and allow the peace process to go on, rather than disrupting it with these senseless attacks. Answering violence with violence is never the answer. Only at the negotiating table can we find peace.

SG: WRONG! Hulk?

HULK: HULK SMASH TERRORISTS!

SG: Correct! Issue two, is toxic waste good for fish? Aquaman?

AQUAMAN: That is the stupidest thing I ever heard.

SG: Correct! Issue three, steroids in baseball. Hulk?

HULK: What? Hulk not on steroids! Hulk all natural, work out, exposed to gamma rays!

SG: Right. Captain Euro?

EURO: Baseball, feh. You Americans need to be exposed more to the beauty that is football, or as you mincingly call it, soccer. That is a true sport.

SG: WRONG! Blossom?

BLOSSOM: Gosh, it seems like cheating to me. If there are baseball players using steroids, don’t they have an unfair advantage over all the players who won’t take them because they might be bad for you?

SG: Correct! Issue four, comparing backers of the Euro to Hitler in TV ads. Captain Euro?

EURO: I am deeply offended by this, and when Britain joins the EU we will have to take steps to see it doesn’t ever happen again.

SG: Um, right. Aquaman?

AQUAMAN: Doesn’t matter to me. All that paper money just disolves in salt water. I hope they’re using soy based ink.

SG: Uh… Hulk?

HULK: Hulk laugh and laugh!

EURO: Oh, come now. If anything, we are more like Stalin. Hitler, that’s completely inaccurate. [PAUSE] Merde. Did I just say that out loud?

HULK: Hulk smash Euro-commie!

SG: No, mustn’t smash our fellow panelists. [ZAPS CAPTAIN EURO WITH A BLAST FROM HIS POWER BANDS.] Now, that’s better. Issue five, Adam Sandler movies. Hulk?

HULK: Hulk laugh and laugh!

SG: Uh, okay. Aquaman?

AQUAMAN: I can only spend one hour outside the water, so I can’t go to movies.

SG: Okay, Blossom?

BLOSSOM: Those movies are all PG-13 or R, I’m too young to see them.

SG: Captain Euro?

EURO: (Groans.)

SG: Correct answer: They’re all stupid, and everyone who watches them should be ashamed of themselves! Issue six, Mojo Jojo. Blossom?

BLOSSOM: Gosh, we keep catching him, but he’s a monkey and I guess the jails aren’t set up to keep him. We sent him to the pound once, but they say that’s cruel and unusual punishment.

SG: Captain Euro?

EURO: Ugh… [SHAKES IT OFF] Instead of persecuting poor Mojo Jojo, I think it is incumbent upon us to look at the inequities inherent in the system in Townsville. Mr. Jojo is only a symptom. We need to treat the disease.

HULK: Can Hulk smash puny Euro-weenie now?

SG: Yeah, show’s over, go ahead. Join us next week!

MOLTAR [V/O]: The Space Ghost Group is made possible by a generous grant from Archer Daniel Midlands Corporation, a division of Lexcorp. And by generous support from viewers like you.


(Apologies to the various old SNL sketches I am blatantly ripping off, and to the creators of all the various things satirized here except Captain Euro.)

(UPDATE: Yeah, I probably should have found a way to work Zorak in.)