My Speech to the Graduates by Woody Allen

More than at any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

Yes, it's graduation time! And I get to participate in the ceremony. Well, I have to, under penalty of being fired. And I have to wear academic robes, which I hate. The worst part is that the college uses black robes, which are bad for two reasons. One is that they soak up the heat, which is pretty oppressive already in mid-May in Alabama, even at 10 AM. Second, I have relatively fair skin and I look really pale in black. My description last year was that I looked like a "snowball sitting on a Franklin stove," and frankly I felt like I was melting.