Captain Euro and the Unrepentent Unilateralists

[SCENE: A column of US Army troops in KUWAIT are headed towards the border with IRAQ. A COLONEL and his AIDE are in the lead humvee, driven by a SERGEANT. They see a man in a brightly colored uniform ahead of them and slow down to investigate]

CAPTAIN EURO: Stop this criminal action!

COLONEL: Excuse me?

EURO: This attack is not sanctioned by the international community! You must go back where you came from and get sanction from the UN!

SERGEANT: [sotto voce] I thought you guys didn’t like the sanctions.

COLONEL: Now, listen here. I have orders from the President to seize… [His AIDE nudges him.] Well, never mind what the orders are, it’s none of your business. But we don’t need to go to the UN.

EURO: I am afraid that you must. Only through international consensus can true peace be found.

COLONEL: We don’t care about international consensus. We’re trying to keep Saddam from getting nuclear weapons!

EURO: I am sure that if he gets nuclear weapons the UN will be willing to authorize a joint international peacekeeping force.

SERGEANT: [sotto voce] “Joint”, let’s go with that.

AIDE: I heard that.

COLONEL: Mister, if we wait until he has nuclear weapons, your peacekeepers would all wind up vaporized. Along with Israel and most of the rest of the Middle East.

EURO: Ah-ha! So the truth comes out! You’re just doing the bidding of the Israelis!

SERGEANT: Can I shoot him, sir?

COLONEL: It’s tempting, but no. [To EURO] Son, we’re acting in our best national interest, which just happens to be in the interests of most everyone else. Now, please get out of the way.

EURO: Non. I will not do that. [He sits down in front of the humvee.]

COLONEL: All right, have it your way. Sergeant, go around him.

SERGEANT: Yes, sir. [He backs up a couple of feet then bypasses EURO to the right. The rest of the column follows him.

EURO: Oh, come on! That’s not fair! Come back! Oh, mierda.